


it's not that it can't be given (he isn't worth it)

by hmchans (candytaes)



Series: he's unworthy [1]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Lots of Angst, M/M, fem!Junmyeon, figure skating AU, implied depression, implied infidelity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2017-01-11
Packaged: 2018-09-16 20:47:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9289010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/candytaes/pseuds/hmchans
Summary: lu han loves a boy who isn't his





	

**Author's Note:**

> soundtrack for this fic -> he's unworthy by shi shi

At five thirty a.m, the ice rink is empty. Lu Han begins his stretches, his body stiff after the long bus ride. He's surprised that he's the first at the rink, thinking that all the other skaters would've gotten to the rink before him for a chance to practice alone. Back in China, it was always a race to see who could get to the rink first.   
   
     Most of the time, there would already be tens of skaters crowding around the arena at five in the morning but maybe the rules were different here. With his hair tied back, he starts on the stretches Yoona, his coach, assigned to him, letting his muscle memory take over his movements.

 

The familiar cold air nips at him as he steps on the ice. He has been waiting for this moment for a while now. The countdown to his first international competition is quickly drawing to the end and his coach isn't letting him slack now that the nation's sweetheart is heading to his first Grand Prix.

 

_Xiao Lu_ they call him. The nation’s ice prince.

 

And Lu Han thinks he's made it far from the days he would skip school to go to the rink watching the older boys play hockey, envying their chance be on the ice, He would always hope they would finish their game fast enough for him to squeeze a few hours of practice in. Not that it mattered anyways: his father would get phoned by his school and would drag him home before he could even touch the ice. 

 

Nowadays, the tables have turned. His father is the one dragging him to the ice rink to make sure that he gets enough practice. Even though he’s gained his father’s approval, nothing could gain his mother's. 

 

But now, he has become one of China's top skaters, rivaling the best like Jin Yang and Lin Zi Jin. Lu Han knows that the odds are against him at nineteen years old. The other competitors had been skating competitively since their preteens. Now a country bumpkin like him was heading to the big kid rink, waiting for a chance to skate. He pushes down into his splits further, wincing at the tinge of pain in his inner thighs. He's going to prove to them all what he's capable of, especially to his mother. 

_This time, Lu Han is here to win._

It's a little past nine when the other skaters start filing in one by one, smirks of confidence plastered on all their faces. By the time the first one had arrived, Lu Han had already gone through his routine five times, the bass music of DBSK’s Mirotic pumping through his body as he lands another jump. 

 

Relishing in the satisfying sound of his skates hitting the ice, he doesn't even notice the eyes watching him as pulls his leg up behind him spinning faster and faster. A childhood in ballet had given him a wide range of flexibility that he was never more thankful for. Lu Han isn't going to let anyone think he's less: after all, effort is much better than talent. 

 

Effort is what got him here, after all. 

He narrows his eyes as he skates toward the stands, scanning the other skaters for a familiar face. There were the representatives for Thailand and Hong Kong: Bambam, a thin boy with a mop of ever changing rainbow hair, Jackson, his buff counterpart and the blonde from Russia—Alex or was it Alexus— all Lu Han could remember was that his name was very Russian. The rest were irrelevant, at least to Lu Han, a blur of unknown faces and names.

 

Lu Han frowned as he finished scanning the crowd. Kyungsoo would never miss the opportunity to be first. The competitiveness was in Kyungsoo’s blood. It was always a running joke between the rest of the skaters: no matter how early you woke up Kyungsoo, would get to the rink first. 

 

He sits on a bench near Bambam and Jackson, watching the boys take selfies for their fanbases and chuckling slightly as the two play fight about which angle to take it from. He quickly unlaces his skates, his finger numb from the cold. Tossing his skates to the side, he changes into a pair of ratty red Converse and a jacket, heading to a cafe to meet his coach for breakfast.

 

He isn't worried about Kyungsoo at all: after all they are just _friends._

 

The streets of Seoul are crowded as Lu Han makes his way down to the cafe he and Yoona often frequented. The bustle of the city makes him feel at ease as he takes in the view of the bustling markets and the vibrancy of the people.

 

He finds Yoona in the corner booth scrolling through her phone that she pockets as she sees him approaching.

 

“Took you long enough.” 

 

She leaned forward to grab the menu, listlessly flipping through its contents. “Did you have fun showing off to the littl'uns?” she asked as she beckoned towards the waitress. The waitress seemed star struck, seeming to recognize the Korean skater. 

 

Kim Yoona is a two time Olympic winner, and a nationwide idol. To this day, she remains one of Lu Han’s idols even after she became his coach after retiring. So Lu Han was used to the awe struck gazes she would get whenever they would go out. 

“I wasn't showing off.” Lu Han groaned, setting his bag down on the empty seat. 

 

“I was instilling a little fear in them.”

Yoona cocked a perfectly plucked eyebrow. “Whatever you say kiddo, just know that getting too cocky will be your downfall.” Lu Han gritted his teeth. He knew she was right but at the same time, unwanted worry about Do Kyungsoo was clouding his head. He was the whole reason this competitiveness started, and how could he even compete if his main competition wasn't here?

 

“Jie-Jie,” he said nonchalantly taking a bite out of the donut Yoona had ordered for him beforehand.

 

“Do you remember Kyungsoo?” 

 

Yoona frowned, “Do Kyungsoo? The one with freakishly big eyes that you used to hang out with?”

 

Lu Han rolled his eyes again, “Is there any other Kyungsoo I would be talking about?” He took a sip of his espresso, trying to calm the nerves in his stomach. 

Yoona hummed deep in thought. “Isn't he coaching this year?” 

Lu Han frowned, shifting in his seat. “Why would he be coaching?”

 

“He had a really bad injury a few months ago, he can't participate this year.”

 

Lu Han sputtered, dribbling coffee on his off white sweater. “Injury?” Yoona wrinkled her nose in disgust, reaching for the pile of napkins, “You look like a toddler.” Lu Han grabbed them and motioned at her to continue. His appetite fades away and he pushes the half eaten donut and coffee away.

 

“I don't know the details but it was a pretty nasty spill from what Minzy told me.” Yoona sighed, leaning back as the waitress comes to clear the table. “He was really talented too, poor kid.” 

 

Not having to compete against Kyungsoo doesn't mean that Lu Han can let his guard down, Yoona warns. 

 

Lu Han fakes a smile, but the dull ache in his stomach doesn't fade for the rest of the day and so Lu Han does what he does best: he skates. 

 

There's something about skating that calms Lu Han. Going through the familiar motions of tying his skates and stepping on to the ice then nothing. He lets his body go through the motions and lets his mind at ease.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo would always scoff when he said that. Kyungsoo said there's nothing calming about skating. It's all about precision and control. Looking back, Kyungsoo had been fit for coaching.

He was always all work, no play but he still had the fire of a champion. He would always be drilling himself in the middle of the night trying to learn some of the higher level moves, even though he couldn't use them in competition. 

 

But that Kyungsoo was also the same Kyungsoo who would watch shitty k-dramas with Lu Han after everyone else had refused, who would make mixtapes of K-pop classics with Chanyeol so Lu Han could skate to his favorite songs since the old arena had yet to have Bluetooth speakers, much to his disappointment.

 

_Kyungsoo._

 

Even skating—Lu Han’s only escape— has been taken over by him. 

Lu Han ends practice knowing that things won't work out with him being distracted. A break is what he needs. He ditches his skates and jogs back to the hotel. He sends Jackson a text to see if he's free and finds himself in the dimly lit bar of the hotel with the rest of the skaters. Less than an hour later, almost midnight, and they are trashed.

 

Bambam greets him with a whoop, “It's Lu Hannieeee,” he screeches and he pulls Lu Han into a tight hug. “I thought you'd never come out with us man. You really haven't been the same after—.” 

Jackson puts a hand over Bambam’s mouth smiling apologetically. “He's drunk.” 

Lu Han forces a smile, “It’s fine.” 

 

Bambam meant well anyways. It's true that Lu Han ditched everyone after the incident. It had been too hard to go out with them after everything and put on his normal facade. It didn't feel right to deceive them like that. So he let them drift apart from him; they were more Kyungsoo’s friends anyways.

He nods toward the bartender and orders a shot of vodka. It's best if he gets himself wasted early and goes back to the hotel to sleep it off. Jackson and Bambam along with the tall Canadian, Kris Wu, begin a drinking game with the rest of the group. The raucous laughter gives Lu Han a headache and he orders the bartender to keep the shots coming, ignoring the pounding in his head. 

 

He doesn't notice the person sitting beside him until it's too late. He turns back to his drink, choosing to ignore him. He really doesn't want to talk. After finishing it, Lu Han makes to stand up and _he_ grabs his arm, pulling him back down. “Please. I won't talk. We’ll just drink.” He's still clutching his arm as if afraid Lu Han will run away.

 

“Let me just have this.”

 

“I've let you have a lot of things, Kyungsoo.” Lu Han sighs. He motions to the waiter, “a another shot of vodka.” If he's going to be with Kyungsoo, he might as well not remember in the morning. He looks to see the saddened expression on his face, and smirks. Just because he stayed doesn't mean he'll give Kyungsoo what he wants. 

 

“Do you ever regret…” 

Lu Han stiffens and turns to Kyungsoo. “No talking, that's the rule.” He pours a new drink and Kyungsoo grabs it out of his hands, downing it in one go. His cheeks turn pink and he starts coughing. Lu Han's face breaks into a grin. Kyungsoo could never handle his liquor. Some things never change. 

 

The rest of the night is a blur as they continue drinking and start taking part in the drinking games. Lu Han comes to regret it all the next morning after he wakes up in a bed that's clearly not his in a room that's also not his. Something soft is draped over him and snores loudly into his ears and Lu Han is scared shitless. The soft thing is a person and the person is clearly NOT WEARING PANTS.

 

Yoona will behead him if she finds out he's been out drinking, much less having a one night stand.

 

Lu Han tries to get out of the person’s arms but they clearly have the strength of an octopus. With each movement Lu Han tries to make, the man wraps his arms tighter around him, snuggling closer in Lu Han's chest. 

 

Very slowly he untangles himself from the man. Upon looking closer, it turns out to be Kyungsoo, much to his disappointment. Letting out a relieved sigh at the fact that he's still fully clothed, he grabs his phone and hotel keys and escapes the room. 

 

The rest of the day is nothing short of stressful. Yoona begins coming to Lu Han’s practices and critiquing his form. Lu Han is so distracted that he botches up the whole routine, so Yoona doesn't let him out for breakfast. Instead she only allows him to visit the costume director to get the final measurements for his costume.

 

Tao chews him out for gaining weight and lunch and dinner that day is a bag of peanuts and a water bottle. 

 

After seven hours of practice, Yoona decides she's tortured his body enough and he's allowed to go back to the hotel. Lu Han all but collapses on his bed, not even bothering to bandage up his feet. Lu Han checks his phone. Seeing the messages, he turns it off. 

 

 **from: kyungsoo**  
**sent: 17:15, Dec 05**

 

_lu??_  
_Did something happen last night????_

 

The sick feeling in his stomach returns but he's too tired to even think about getting up. Not to mention the nauseousness. Lu Han can handle his alcohol, but not the hangovers, which is why he usually doesn't drink.

 

It's these moments that make Lu Han the loneliest. When he was younger, his father and mother would keep him company when he was sick. When he got older it was Kyungsoo. But now he's on his own. It’s funny how things turn out: you never really know what your life is going to be like next month, let alone in six years.

 

His phone buzzes again and he doesn't bother looking at the ID. He shuts it off, too tired for these games.

 

The next few days fly past and suddenly it's D-Day. Yoona goes all out in the morning, waking him up with an obnoxious racket (read: she actually bangs pots and pans together)

 

“Hannniieeeee,” she sings, jumping up and down excitedly.

 

Lu Han pulls his blanket over his head, groaning at the noise. Rolling over to grab his phone from the other side of the bed, he replies, “Yoona-ssi, let the talent sleep.” The screen reads 3:08 a.m. It is way too early for Yoona’s bullshit. 

Yoona pushes him off the bed, grinning, “The talent better get his move on before Tao loses it and cuts your eyes out.” Ugh, Lu Han can just imagine it now: Tao and his sharp scissors gouging his eyes and other precious body parts out. He reluctantly gets out of the bed. She smirks, knowing she's won. “Good boy, meet me out front in twenty.” 

 

Lu Han trudges to the bathroom and begins his routine, being careful to moisturize his face and cover up his eye bags. Taeyeon plays up his eyes more than anything else and always tells him to moisturize every night even though Lu Han never listens. 

 

By the times he gets downstairs to the waiting room, the rest of the team is ready to go and Tao is fuming. “Disrespectful brat,” he screeches as he approaches Lu Han menacingly in his 5’10 glory.

 

He's carrying the costume in a plastic bag and motions for his assistant to grab Lu Han. He starts mumbling under his breath about ungrateful skaters and how the brat is going to ruin his masterpiece by looking like a crack addict who hasn't slept in days.

 

Luckily for Lu Han, the make up artist Taeyeon saves him from Tao’s rants and leads him to the quiet dressing room and away from the chaos of the waiting room. She starts brushing the cold foundation onto his face and gently begins her magic. 

 

“Don't let Tao’s yelling get to you, he's nervous.”

 

Taeyeon is a sweetheart. Unlike Tao, her flamboyant counterpart, she is calm and collected, always making sure that Lu Han is comfortable and at ease before his competitions. Today is no different.

 

“I know.” 

 

Tao has been under a lot of stress, coming up with multiple costume designs and sewing them on his own, buying the material from the markets in Beijing. It's going to be the first time his work is going to be in an ice skating competition and he will settle for nothing but the best. 

 

Taeyeon finishes the last touches on Lu Han’s face . Setting her brush down, she grabs the mousse and begins on his hair. “What's the theme you're going for tonight?” she asks nonchalantly.

 

Lu Han straightens up. He and Tao have had this planned for a while. “Phoenix,” he says with a slight smile on his face. “A Phoenix rising from the ashes.” 

 

Taeyeon nods in understanding. Timidly she sets her hand on Lu Han’s shoulder. She knows what he meant. Tao and Yoona both had looked at him crazily after he said he wanted to be a Phoenix. “Break a leg Lu Han.” 

There's a knock on the door, and she moves to open it, Kyungsoo stands there in the doorway looking forlorn. She looks between them uncertainly.

 

“I'll be back in a bit.” 

 

The door shuts behind her with a soft click and they stand in silence. Lu Han feels like the makeup is a mask that can hide his feelings from Kyungsoo. This isn't the Lu Han that Kyungsoo knew. This mask is Lu Han the figure skater. He is more powerful and stronger than the real Lu Han.

 

“I'm sorry.” Kyungsoo says and the mask crumbles. Caught off guard, Lu Han tries to compose himself. He isn't going to be weak in front of Do Kyungsoo. Not now, not ever.

 

“Don't be.” Lu Han steels himself. Lu Han did not go through all that pain - all that hurt - for Do Kyungsoo to come to him with a half-assed apology. 

 

“I–I know I hurt you.” Kyungsoo licks his lips, and Lu Han notices that they're chapped. Kyungsoo’s face looks blotchy like he's been crying. “And I know I've done something that can't be reversed.” 

_Flashes of Jongin and Kyungsoo kissing in the locker room, Kyungsoo’s swollen lips and Jongin’s moans—_

 

Lu Han averts his eyes from Kyungsoo’s face. There are tears welling in his eyes now. “You shouldn't be here,” he finally says after a pause. 

 

“I'm really sorry Lu Han.” 

 

Lu Han turns away. 

 

“I’ll be watching your performance,” he says before he leaves. 

 

_“I love you.”_

 

The tears fall after the door is shut and Lu Han is all alone. Taeyeon comes back and fixes his make up again. They don't speak; Lu Han’s puffy eyes speak volumes. And before she leaves Taeyeon turns to Lu Han with one last word of advice.

“Kyungsoo moved on Lu, its high time you did too." 

Lu Han is on the ice. He scans the crowd and finds _Kyungsoo_ —every happy moment, every sad moment, flashes before his eyes— and even after everything, he still loves him. But that doesn't mean he's going to give up everything he has worked for for him.

 

Standing on the ice, he feels powerful. The crowd screams and the bright lights exhilarate him. This is what he lives for. 

He closes his eyes and there is no Kyungsoo, no worries or sadness. 

Just him and the ice.


End file.
